Snow tips from Snowcan

Since we've received 70+ inches of snow here in Spokane since
Dec. 17th I have a couple pieces of advice I've recently picked up
after shoveling everything from the driveway to our roof:

1. Buy a 2 stage snow thrower with chains on the tires and 2 really
good snow shovels (pack the second one away to sell on
Craigslist for $400 when all the shovels in town are sold out).

2. Get a house with an extremely pitched roof of at least 40 degrees
to combat snow loading and roof collapses. Be sure no windows are
under the steep pitches or the snow sliding off the roof may break
through the window and give you the chance to shovel your living room.

3. In addition to a parka with a hood, warm hat, snow pants, 2 pairs
of gloves, waterproof snow boots buy a boot dryer that can dry 2 pairs
at a time. Don't share it with your husband. Use the other boot dryer
to dry your gloves.

4. Buy a tall ladder and a roof rake (never knew what one was until
this year). Apparently only the lightest people are supposed to be on
the roof which means no-so-petite husbands try to direct things from
the ground. To avoid being roped into this develop a intense fear of
heights.

5. Prepare to have the metal on your car pitted from the sand and salt
on the roads by wrapping all metal surfaces in bubble wrap or buy a
Gremlin and weigh it down with 200 lbs of kitty litter which will also
help with traction when you get stuck.

6. Buy studded tires, heavy duty chains and an expensive Bluetooth
with noise cancelling so you can actually hear the person on the phone
when you're driving at 25 mph going WHUMP! THUMP! WHUMP! THUMP! People from Seattle may say, "Where the hell are you calling from?" Ignore them. They are wimps who don't know how to handle the Snow Wrath of God.

7. Prepare for cold early by sitting in a chest freezer for 15 minutes at a time to build up your tolerance to cold then mist yourself with water while a fan blows on you and your eyelashes freeze to your eye brows. Blink often or your eyeballs will freeze. Do this once a day until your skin turns white and numb then jump into a steaming shower and scream, "Oh! Mother...!